7/8/97 5:24PM EST
DALA HORSE DISCOVERED ON MARS
Pasadena, California - In a shocking development in a mission that seems to surprise observers at every turn, scientists at Jet Propulsion Laboratories have released a photograph of Mars today containing an image which appears to resemble a dala horse.
Project scientist Matthew Golombeck showed the stunned and enthralled press gathered an enhanced image taken from the lander's IMP camera of one of the uprooted rocks of the "flood plain". In a closeup also provided by JPL, the rock, nicknamed "Mr. Ed" by mission specialists, appears to have a crude image of a dala horse etched or possibly painted on the surface.
The original photo indicating detail area
In typical NASA cautionary tones, Golombeck stated "This discovery is very exciting, but we cannot make any definitive statements at this time as to the exact nature of the discovery. The image of the dala horse does indeed suggest life on Mars, but not necessarily intelligent."
When asked why this image was not seen in the photo initially released on July 7th, Golombeck replied that it took careful analysis of the IMP's 12 filtered pictures of the scene which revealed the horse's image. He also stated that further analysis of the rock and image via Sojourner's alpha proton x-ray spectrometer would be necessary to draw any more detailed conclusions.
Detail of the rock "Mr. Ed", featuring the controversial dala horse drawing, and a real dala horse.
It was obvious to all attending press, though not outright discussed, that a dala horse, particularly one found on Mars, would have serious repercussion in the computer industry. A dala horse named Färgen is the logo and mascot of the small Swedish software company VäporSYSTEMS. Jörgen Såagrid, Founder and CEO of VäporSYSTEMS, released this statement early Tuesday:
"We at VäporSYSTEMS have been following the progress of the Pathfinder mission with all the excitement and enthusiasm of a Swedish schoolboy. This discovery of a dala horse on Mars, however, is not terribly surprising to us...we have maintained for years that VäporOS is the single best solution for our planet's computing needs, so why not the rest of the solar system? It would be shortsighted and arrogant for us to think that we alone in the universe should benefit from an advertiser driven operating system. Deployment of software to Mars might reveal some distribution channel and licensing issues, but we're up to the challenge."
Mission specialists choose to remain cautious about any firm conclusions concerning the image on "Mr. Ed", saying they hope to have a more thorough briefing on the issue in the coming weeks. VäporSYSTEMS however, isn't so patient; they've already trademarked and registered the internet domain names www.dala-on-mars.com, www.vaporos-on-mars.com and www.were-on-mars-youre-not.com.
Mars Pathfinder images courtesy Jet Propulsion Laboratories, Pasadena, California.
Sitting around the office, we were wondering how VäporOS wasn't really making much of a dent in the popular press. So we decided to do what lot's of huge corporations do; exploit children to move merchandise. With that, we came up with myVäporOS !
myVäporOS! is a brand new set of API's that, when used in conjunction with VäporOS, enable children 5-16 years of age to be exploited by clever mass-marketing ploys that work so well in the adult world. So now not only will VäporOS bring to your computing experience all the advertising space money can buy, but will as well be targeted right to your child. Stay tuned for information on VäporDEVELOPERS working on this exciting project.
Long lost VäporSYSTEMS founder, Jorgën Såagrid, has returned to the Mjölby company amidst a flurry of bloated hype and internet paranoia. He rejoins the VäporOS developers in attempt to help the company rebuild its original mission, as a supplier of high-quality Dala horses.
Followers of Väpor lore will recall that shortly after founding the company, Såagrid had a falling out with VäporSYSTEMS head programmer, Løn Jakkvik, over the direction of the floundering Dala horse manufacturer, which was suddenly faced with competition from the neighboring village of Eksjö. Realizing the company's decision to shift its focus from wooden toys to computer operating systems was not compatible with his own twisted visions, Såagrid made a vow of eternal silence and declared he would be setting off on a mystical wanderlust through the watery hamlets of Sweden (but would call in regularly to check his messages).
Jorgën Såagrid was never heard from again; until this past friday. Looking disheveled, tired and hungry, he was found on the corporate doorstep by VäporOS intern Inga Forsnäs. As reported by Forsnäs, Såagrid muttered to her his first words in over five years, "I'm disheveled, tired and hungry...". The quote sent ripples throughout the computer industry.
VäporSystems is proud to announce an exclusive licensing deal with Ford Motor Company of Dearborn, Michigan . When released, every copy of VäporOS will come bundled with a 1997 Ford Web Explorer (or is it the other way around?).
Available in three models, the '97 Ford Web Explorer comes equipped with all the modern conveniences and safety devices that consumer have come to expect from their internet experience; plus, it complies with all international bandwidth emmission standards.
For the budget-conscious, this model is equiped with all the basic elements to get you browsing right away...all without breaking your budget!
If you've got a house full of active users, this is the model for you! Outfitted as the XE, plus: intermittent page wipers, Java cup-holders and system crash-panels.
For the no-compromise sportster, the LX is packed to the gills with browsing excitement! Equipped as the XE and SE, the LX also features deluxe woodgrain menubars, dual-overhead quick-cams and a 4-speed stick for quick back/forward shifting! RAM cache-back is also available.
Choose from these exciting background colors!
Gunshot CrimsonGates Pine-GreenBig Blue
Väpor has Apple fuming.
by Daniel Bronson
(Originally printed in the Mjölby Times-Union, March, 1999.)
Apple Computer's now legendary legal department is back in court. In a recent press release, Apple announced that it would be filing suit in United States federal court against Swedish startup VäporSystems - scant weeks after negotiations to buy the Mjölby company broke down. "The charges are absolütely groundless," said VäporSystems spokesman, Sven Weinskør, "und Apple is aware of dis... ja." This is almost word-for-word what Weinskør said recently when asked by MT-U reporter Lothar Øberdorf about the pending Ball-Mason Corporation look-and-feel lawsuit. In fact, the only word that was different was "ja," fueling recent speculation that Mr. Weinskør was, in reality, recently unearthed from Kungshögarna (see "Spokesman of the Living Dead?" page 6.)
The charges against Väpor stem from elements of VäporSystems' VäporOS which Apple says it had long ago copyrighted. Apple's lawyers feel they can conclusively prove prior art in the crucial areas of product announcements, promised features, media leaks, and shipping dates - all vital elements of any modern computer operating system. Väpor, however, feels that it's Marketing and Public Relations units are demonstrably different from Apple's, and that any elements that are similar are already available in the public domain. Charges that Väpor has cloned some of Apple's middle-management have been called "ludicrous" by Väpor officials. Despite their protestations, however, an upcoming book by Andrew Schulman is expected to reveal the secret use of undocumented Apple managers in the VäporSystems corporate hierarchy. Sources close to Apple have intimated that this might become the basis for a "next-generation" lawsuit, based on modern, objection-oriented legal system design.
Undaunted by what they percieve as bullying by Apple, the feisty Swedes from Mjölby have dug in their heels and prepared for Apple's onslaught. MT-U has recieved word from unspecifiable sources inside Väpor regarding their much-anticipated upcoming media-brunch. At the event, they are expected to preview elements of their forthcoming legal defense strategy. Väpor plans to employ a fully scalable team of from one to four lawyers. They are also expected to adopt a radical new "legal secretary architecture" that will parcel out tasks to ancillary lawyers, thus distributing the expected workload amongst all lawers evenly, in a fully threaded and re-entrant fashion. Apple's legal team, by contrast, employs an older, "cooperative" legal strategy, wherein most of the workload falls on one lawyer, with smaller tasks being handed off to a paralegal, but only if the case is specifically designed to take advantage of the architecture. Even with Apple's past successes in these areas, some analysts have been moved to wonder if this new system (code named "Al D'Amato") can maintain 100% compatibility with older judges.
Apple declined to comment.
VäporSystems Marketing Director Sven Weinskør is mad, Mad, MAD with Dala Horse fever! To promote the VäporOS, and in anticipation for the upcoming Väporstok festival, Sven is offering a cool dozen Dala horses to the first person who can fix a few thousand pages of bug-infested boot code before the big show. If you are interested in helping out, drop us a note with three sentences stating what you would do with your 12 Dala horses. We'll print the top three, and give the pile of offensive programming to the best of them.
VäporSystems announces Väporstok '97
Mjölby - There's electricity in the air at the offices of VäporSystems, and it's not from the fried motherboards; in April 1997, VäporSystems will be bringing the VäporOS to America for a three-day demo of peace, love and, er, harmony. While final plans are still sketchy, VäporSystems Director of Marketing, Sven Weinskør, assures us that "[Väporstok] will be an event attendees shant soon forget. We will be presenting a myriad of exciting technologies for VäporOS that even we don't understand...". Weinskør promises more details are shortcoming.
Deal With Apple turns to Väpor
By Daniel Bronson
A.P. (Cupertino) - Apple Computer Inc.'s negotiations to buy VäporSystems, Intl., the innovative computer company started by a team of piously arrogant Swedes, have stalled, sources said last week. Dan Quayle, Apple's research and development vice president, had hoped to announce the acquisition at a media luncheon being held at this week's Comdex '99 computer trade show in Roswell, New Mexico. But a difference over price ended the talks late last week, sources said. After five months of infrequent discussions, Apple offered VäporSystems less than $1 million for the 3-year-old start-up. They had been seeking a sum several magnitudes higher. Two years ago, Sven Weinskør, VäporSystems' Marketing Director, received a standing ovation when he introduced his VäporBox at Agenda, one of the PC industry's most prestigious gatherings. The machine--a personal computer with several powerful advertisements and a completely new software marketing system--is considered a major advance over current technology, especially in its ability to handle reporters and media pundits.
Apple was interested in the VäporOS© software, which might have allowed the troubled computer maker to bring long-promised new marketability to its products before the release of Microsoft Corp.'s "Bob's Windows NT/CE 8.00127434-2000 for Workgroups." Apple has fallen far behind on "Gilbert and Sullivan" - an effort to overhaul the venerable Macintosh operating system - and currently has firm plans only for incremental improvements to the MacOS.
But incorporating Väpor's technology would have created problems too. Väpor's sales force is not compatible with Apple's and would have required significant work so that older Macintosh marketing mistakes could be repeated with new models running Väpor. Also, management faced the problems of obtaining support for the acquisition from Apple's notoriously pedantic engineers, who were expected to soil themselves at the prospect of using an outsider's technology. While declining to comment on the discussions, Apple continues to publicly praise VäporSystem's technology.
Got unfounded and ludicrously false rumors? We want to hear it!