Macarazzi! Old News

October 13 1997 11:36 AM, EST "Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy..."

Golden masters fill your eyes... Apple announced with paranoid bravado the release of Rhapsody dr1 to developers. Before you rush out to install this puppy when you get it from the pirate boards over that cable modem that your parents are paying for even though they don't know it because you told them it was for school research projects which you said would get you into college and off the streets like they hoped but who are we kidding your just a warez-hound anyway, keep in mind that it only runs on 8x00 and 9x00 series computers and it's nowhere near what the final product will behave, look or feel like. JOBS BEACH UPDATE In an on-going feature, Macarazzi will report on Steve Job's daily activities on a Hawaiian beach while he contemplates a decision to become the official CEO of Apple Computer. Today, Steve found one of those long, stringy seaweed things with the bumps all over it. He played with it for a few minutes, and threw it back into the surf. A small boy ran by with wet sand falling out of his bathing suit.

September 22 1997 4:10 PM, EST I'm wet and I'm cold, but thank god I ain't old!

Rhap it Up After the url to the release notes to DR1 of Rhapsody had appeared at basically all Mac info sites, Apple cops pulled it from their servers. Of course, by the time Steve & Co. learned this, thousands of 11th graders across the country had already printed the release notes out on their school's Laserwriters. Wire Me Baby IBM has announced they will begin manufacturing computer chips with copper instead of aluminum wiring. To offset this cost of this retooling, insiders have told the Macarazzi that the electrical wiring in IBM's offices will be switched from copper to aluminum. Aw C'mon, the Kids Are Alright.... The "Software Protection Authority" has recently made itself known to users of the creepily popular Hotline software, our ever-diligent Macarazzi have discovered. This mysterious government agency reportedly uses a modified "GameBoy" gaming device, known as "GeoBoy" to track illicit Hotline servers. Hotline servers have become a haven for software pirates, music pirates, child pornographers and Frank Zappa fans. This new government crackdown will begin with "Tracking and Interception... 48 hours from the release of this notification" according to an Agency report. There is no doubt that the SPA will usher in a new era of government control on the internet. While many acknowledge the power and authority of our new informational overlords, there are some skeptics among us. Insiders scoffed at one reader's suggestion that the SPA was invented by a confused teenager who meant to intimidate his peers with a threat from the Software Publishers' Association for the purpose of, "speeding his download of Quake, or something." A full copy of the statement follows: * A * T * T * E * N * T * I * O * N* US Federal law requires the notification of intent to implement new communications tracking or interception tools 48 hours before use. This automated ATTENTION notice is to advise Hotline users of our intention to use Geoboy TCP/IP interception tracking to locate servers that are hosting unregistered and/or unlicensed software. The owners of Servers and Internet Service Providers will be prosecuted accordingly where the offending material is geographically located within the United States and/or Canada. It is also our intention to track repeat offending clients. Tracking and Interception will begin 48 hours from the release of this notification. Software Protection Authority 21 September 1997 aut:2232f56k092297 sys:8764j43g53 cgi:454e4f556738

September 19 1997 9:08 PM, EST Answer hazy, try again later	History, 3rd Revision Macarazzo initiate Kevin K. informs us, "I've noticed a processor "timeline" on the PC Magazine web site (a Ziff-Davis product), taken from the September 23, 1997 print issue, and I don't understand how it can possibly be factual, at least as it concerns development of the PowerPC chip. The highest speed listed is 200 MHz, released in June of this year?! (I guess we should just be happy they even mention the chip, as the Mac isn't truly a "PC," now is it?!)" Well Kev, what they probably meant to say was that the 200 MHZ PowerPC chip was released to *them* in June. The jokesters from the Mac labs were probably squirreling away the fast boxes in preparation for the coming clone drought. Remember, Ziff-Davis is the same company that handed its only decent product, MacUser, to the goons at IDG (don't believe this "merger" PR nonsense...). Control-Click THIS! MacFixIt has been tracking the annoying control-click problem with the new Internet Address Detectors from Apple. Users who installed this extension were annoyed to find that applications which use cntrl-click were being overridden by the IAD. Apple's response, in part: "Apple advised developers not to use the control key because it was reserved for future use. It is Apple's hope that applications will be revised soon for the Contextual Menu Manager so this Enabler is not necessary. " In other words, "Screw you, developers, it's your fault." We at Macarazzi applaud Apple's new no-nonsense, tell the truth, no matter how much it hurts PR policy. Good work, Apple! Join Us, or Die... Got wild rumors, pointless anecdotes or deep and sensitive poetry to share with us? Then send in your scuttlebutt, and become a member of the elite Macarazzi! If you become a Macarazzo, you'll be lavished with praise and respect from those around you. We swear.
September 18, 1997 8:32 PM, EST Jupiter rising in Venus. Love is expected	Hell, Even Radio Shack Sells Phone Taps Ric Ford of Macintouch had a very interesting phone conversation with Steve Jobs, after a letter he wrote to the Apple co-founder received heated reaction. Well, the Macarazzi were out in full-force, and managed to acquire recorded portions of that phone call. We present here, transcribed, an exclusive piece of that historic exchange (we've censored certain words to keep this place PG-13). RIC FORD: Hello? STEVE JOBS: Yes, may I speak to Ric Ford? FORD: Speaking... JOBS: Hi Ric, this is Steve Jobs. I'm so glad we've arranged this little chat! FORD: Good afternoon, Steve. Listen, I have some tough questions for you. First off- oh wait, I got another call...just a sec JOBS (on hold): ...goddamn needlenose pigf***er...put ME on hold?? Who the HELL does this little flea think he's talking to?? I'm STEVE JOBS, dammit! I'll tear this guy a new a**hole. The nerve of some web "reporter" questioning my decisions- FORD: Steve? Sorry, that was my mother-in-law JOBS: Oh, no problem! I'm just glad to be able to speak with my valued customers one on one! FORD: Ok, enough chit-chat. There are lots of confused people out there who are worried about the future of Apple and the Macintosh. JOBS: Yes, well I'm happy to answer any of your questions and help-oh, wait, my global positioning neural fax/data link is kicking in; must be a message from Gates...hang on a minute. FORD (on hold): Oh, golly this is neat! I get to talk to THE Steve Jobs! Now I'll get some respect! I wonder if he can get me a position at Apple? Oh jeepers, an autograph would be honor enough! Garsh I love the way he dresses! He's so- JOBS: Sorry Ric, if pains me to keep a loyal customer on hold! FORD: Save it for the stock-holders, garage-boy! Let's get to it. Given the current state of cloning... Macworld Expo, Manhattan Style! According the the Boston Globe, the infamous August Macworld Expo, held in Boston for the past 13 years, will be relocated to New York City's Javits Center in July, 1998. Supposedly this move is due to the Mac's stress on "the creative arts" and other logistical problems. However, Boston Chamber of Commerce insiders have leaked to us that this move has more to due with certain union kickbacks, and the fact that the Javits Center is right on the water, which makes for easier dumping of bodies. If "The Medium is the Message," then We're All Screwed... After only one day on the air, reaction to Macarazzi has been enormous. We offer you here a sample letter from an average reader. You have been warned. Subject: I'm deeply offended Date: 09/18 3:19 PM From: N.Daniels I just wanted to let you bastards know that I am deeply offended with the content of your Macarazzi site. Putting the all-important OrgyLine post below the meaningless Year 2000 Problem (meaningless because we are all migrating to 8086 chips anyways) deeply disturbs me. It shows that you have an underdeveloped sense of priorities, and are obviously a social and intellectual midget with the IQ of a fencepost. I think you should go back to your dumb Swedish horse-raping web page and bang your dala in private. Also, just think how dangerous that OrgyLine product could be? It's fine for Mac users, but what if you had a General Protection Fault in the middle of an orgy on a Windows machine? What if there were an IRQ conflict because two people aimed for the same hole? I think it is irresponsible journalism to post such possibly dangerous information, and you sound like someone who would dress up like a fireman and smoke crack while having sex on my dad's bed with someone I don't even know.
September 17, 1997 8:42 PM, EST Partly cloudy, with chance of showers.	Welcome to Macarazzi, from the creators of VäporOS! If you're looking for up to the minute facts, rumors and news about the Apple and Macintosh, then you've come to the wrong place! Got ludicrous rumors to pass along? Then send them to our Scuttlebutt editor! Or maybe you just have a few choice words, or perhaps a rumor-site boycott to initiate? The pass those thoughts to our Feedback guy. Now, on to today's news.... Problem? What problem? According to vaguely identified industry experts, production of all PowerPC chips will cease at the end of calendar year 1999. Insiders jokingly refer to this as the "Year 2000 problem". We hope to have more details on this matter in the near future. Hotline Commits Sources have informed us that the creators of Hotline, the ultra-cool Mac/PC internet chat/news/file thingie, are in secret development of a new product code-named "Orgyline", a new paradigm in internet chat which, as details have revealed to us, will revolutionize the way we interact with our ADB ports. We hope to have exclusive screen shots of this exciting new product soon. Netscape Navigator Release...Again Netscape, due to overwhelming public outcry, has quietly posted yet another update to their stand-alone Navigator client, bringing the version to 4.0.3.3a4. This release includes the following fixes/features: Typing in an url in the location window now takes you to that address, rather than erasing your hard drive. The Installer will now determine if you already have Internet Config on your hard drive before installing 40 more copies of it. For increased stability, the Java preference buttons and check boxes no longer actually do anything. Rhapsody in View According to MacOSRumors, Rhapsody will be supporting the PowerMac 8500 and 9500. Macarrazi has further learned that Rhapsody will also likely be compiled to run on the Sinclair ZX-81, Commodore 64 and Atari 800. Apple technicians state, however, they can find no feasible way of getting Rhapsody to work on UMAX clones. And Don't Let the Door Hit you on the Ass! As most everyone knows by now, Apple Vice President Guerrino De Luca has handed "who-are-we-kidding-he-was-gonna-do-it-all-along" CEO Steve Jobs his resignation letter. The question burning on the lips across the net today is...who the *hell* is Guerrino De Luca?